Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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