my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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