Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
