I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
