We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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