Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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