I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
