i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
