Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
