I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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