u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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