Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
