no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
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