Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
