my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
