Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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