I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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