Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
