WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
