so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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