I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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