I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
