Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
