I will die if light touches me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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