There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
