Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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