I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
