fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
