i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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