booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
