Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
