Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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