its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
