I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
