Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm having to shit out rocks
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