i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
