shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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