and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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