had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
