JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
