Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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