It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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