Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
