i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
