If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
PANTIES FOUND
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