Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
