Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
