Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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