I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Randomize
