I think i sorta joined a cult last night
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
